Im excited for the week to start up. I had a great weekend its just i was in situations where i couldnt not eat. I was at my boyfriends family christmas. he has a huge family so its like tons of poeple are aroudn constantly eating. I did my best and i think i did fairly well. Im excited though because me and my boyfriends mom are working out all week long. I cant wait.

yesterday i went til 9:00 PM without eating and then my boyfreind realised i hadnt eaten all day and he ordered chinese. AHHH i wanted to kill myself. blah Blah Blah Then today I went until 6 til eating and then we went to my dads. My boyfriend said i hadnt eaten all day. my dads girlfriend is the type of person that when you are there and shes in charge. She serves your plates, clears your plates. AHHH so she gives me a plate of spaghetti and garlic bread. I ate slow but i felt so sick after. I wanted to cry and just leave so bad... i hated it. I was so proud until then.

im so stressed out...
So i thought i was doing SO well, recovered i guess you could call it, from binging and purging, but today i let down. Ive been so stressed this week with classes starting, dont ask me why, so ive been binging and binging. Dear Lord, so many calories. And not that its anyones fault but mine but its the second day in the row that my boyfriends mom hasnt been able to go to the gym. If i could get rid of one thing in the world i would get rid of my anxiety. It has prevented me to do so much its disgusting. Anyway, im staying up until midight because im taking online classes and thats when you can sign in. I pray tomorrow i can go to the gym. I feel so disgusting EH! i dont know what to do...

I havent posted in a while.
Things have been going okay i spose.
Ive been on Effexor and Loestrin24 now for a couple weeks and oddly enough, its helped me gain a ton of control.
Lately i have been eating not as much and going to the gym with my boyfriend and his mom.
Im kind of in that mood today where i just want to say shut the hell up to everyone.
Sounds terrible. but whatever.

I went to the doc last week. She ended up informing me as if I didnt already know that I have major depression and anxiety issues. She perscribed something for me and its actually helping a tiny bit, so thats nice.

Lets see, what else is going on.

My brother came home from college last night. I havent seen him in a year! He doesnt look the same though. He's on a baseball scholarship so last time i saw him he was HUGE like he's been lifting and training and lifting and training but he hurt his shoulder about 3 months ago so he hasnt been able to lift. He came home last night and he's obviously lost about 20 LBS. He looks... different. I hope he feels better soon.

Im so thankful for the people in my life. Im a lucky person and need to realise this more often.

I am SO relieved. I have an appt thursday to talk with my doc about depression and anxiety. I have a good feeling about this. Maybe she can help me get some control back into my life.

I was watching the A%E channel documentary called Intervention and it was about a girl with Bulimia. There was a statistic that came across the screen that said girls who have anxiety are twice as likely to develop an eating disorder when they get older then girls who dont have anxiety issues. Crazy but true.

Well, im joining the gym today. We'll see how all that goes.

i always feel like im not good enough. No matter what i do or dont do its never right. I just for one day want to feel confident with myself and feel like what i do im not being judged or looked down upon. I want to feel the way that people feel about me. I want to look in the mirror and see what people see. I just want to be happy. It all boils down to happiness. Its weird though because certain things in life i am completely happy with; my relationships being #1. I just want to be happy with myself and stop worrying. It really starts to hurt when you worry so much. It hurts everything, your heart, your mind, your spirit. I just want to feel like i am a good person.

Ive seen better days.




I could get into detail about a lot of things that have gone on in my life lately but quite honestly, i dont feel like it.
I confided in my boyfriends mom last night after I got home and I plan on joining her gym soon. Basically, i need the support of someone. And hopefully i can get my boyfriend to join, also. Im at my moms gym right now and its not working. I havent worked out for like 3 months. Thats disgusting. Anyways, hopefully when i join my boyfriends moms gym we can go together and stuff.
I need to do something with my life.
I might be seeing a doctor soon about my depression and anxiety. Both are getting out of control.

I am the most shallow person in the world. I think the only way I'll be happy is in a size 00. Thats so low. My life isnt worth anything anymore. Im consumed by every disorder I can get my hands on. I think Ive done it all, been there, done that, over and over and over and over again. Im sick of it. I want to be done, be happy. I dont think that will happen though. Ive convinced myself the only way ill be happy and beautiful is if im dead. I would die in a day if i could live one whole day how i want to live. God, i just want to be done with it all.

a bunch of my friends are home from school. You know what that means; smoking and drinking.
The last two nights have beenb just that. The first lots of bowls and wop and the second just tonsof smoking.
I feel like shit.
I hate myself.
Whats new, right?
I just purged but all i could get up was barely nothing.
Shoot me.

today's the beginning of a new me.
Im starting a new lifestyle... not a diet just a new lifestyle.
Eating healthy, small amounts, and working out.
132.5
I want to be around 120ish by christmas.
4 weeks and a couple days to lose about 13 LBS.
restrict, exercise.

I missed my boyfreind so much and we got to spend all day together yesterday. It was one of the best days in a long time. He just held me all day and kissed me and hugged me and it was awesome to have someone tell you how much you mean to them and how beautiful you are and how much they missed you. He's the most amazing person in the world. And then he tells me about of the blue Have you lost weight? I looked at him like What? And hes like you look amazing. Have you lost weight? I didnt know how to take the compliment because maybe i have a little but not on purpose, Ive been eating like a pig lately.

Friday is the beginning of a new me. After a whiles worth of binging and purging I need to get in control. What a perfect time. The day after Thanksgiving Its a friday And a month until Christmas. Im not going to set a goal but i just want to lose as much weight as I can.
I have to do this.
I have to.

the days just keep getting longer and longer


i can not wait for my boyfriend to come home. Dear Lord, i miss him to death.









I need to get a hold of some cotrol, something. Anything. I can feel my mind spinning faster and faster with every time i let myself down.

i'm waking up at 5AM to go to the gym tomorrow morning even if it kills me.


I need to find my strength again. Where'd it go? No fucking clue where it went but i desperately need to find it... now. : (

Do you ever feel desperately alone?

my boyfriends gone for til thanksgiving : ( *tears tears and more tears* That's one whole week. We are together everyday. One week is like absolute craziness. Im sad. Anyways, I the other night we had a little conversation and without him knowing it, he challenged me to lose 5 LBS by thanksgiving. Hah. I made it up but since i need the motivation, it'll work. Id love to lose 5 LBS by thanksgiving.
Im going to try to fast starting tomorrow for who knows how long. I guess as long as i can go.
I'll drink liquids, coffee and whatever.

Ahh... I miss him already. I hate it.

i cant wait to be 115 again. Right now it is a super stressful time in my life. I will get there though. I feel so disgusting and worthless. I just want to be happy. I want people to look at me and then turn to there friends and say "Wow, she is so skinny." I feel so selfish. But one thing in my life needs to be just all for me. If nothing else, my weight. Because after all it is on me, on my body. I just want to be thin.

i hate myself.
I pretend for a day or two that Im okay and that things are going good but in all reality its just a waste of time. I'll never be pretty enough, or skinny enough, or tall enough, or funny enough, or anything. Im falling into a deeper hole everyday. I cant live like this. No one can. I hate myself.
I just took 30 laxatives.

Why does it seem like everytime I get back into the roll of things I get my period and my body freaks out? Anyone else seem like this happens to you? I need to go to the doctor.
I never want to eat food again.
I just went to the grocery store and bought a 5 LB bag of tiny ass apples, a bag of red grade, a cantalope and a honeydew. I want to make this food last as long as i can. i have been doing so good though with temptations. At my boyfriends there is always spaghetti, french toast, pizza, pancakes, white rice and flour things and the only thing i had to have because i hadnt eaten all day was spaghetti. Then at work i do so well and at my house. My mom does daycare so she is always making huge amounts of pasta dishes, pizza... yadda yadda.

Im just kind of depressed right now. My brothers not coming home for thanksgiving this year. We basically arent having one. My dads a fucking loser and my mom and i hate eachother so its pointless. So i'll just be at my boyfriends, where i am loved. Also, my boyfriends going away to hunt for like 5 days right before thanksgiving. It sucks when we dont see eachother for more then a day. I miss him already. Blah. We also arent having Christmas this year. Well, we are but arent exchanging gifts because my family is dirt poor. Once again, I'll be at my boyfriends, which is more then fine with me.
Blah i get my period soon and i hate it.
Someone shoot me please.

this thursday= 129
next thursday= 126
thanksgiving= 123

Eveythings going okay. I am not going to eat any sugars or white flours from today until thanksgiving. Over the weekend i had a huge binge and purge. I havent binged in a couple weeks but i went hunting with my boyfriend and ate bagels, poptarts, and hot cocoa. I felt disgusting. I purged and purged until i felt i had nothing left of me. I felt lower then ive ever felt before. I think its because i refrained from doing so for so long and then i just did it like that.
Its a new day.
I cant handle this diet. I feel like a fat pig eating so much. Im not going to eat as much cheese, no more dressing, no more anything. I wish i could just stop eating for the rest of my life.
Today before school i grabbed an apple to eat but i didnt even want it. I forced myself to take a few bites and that was it. then for lunch i ate a whole apple. It was tiny though. Probably half the size or any apple in anyones fridge right now. Then i just ate an orange.
So today, an apple and an orange so far.
I might have some steak my mom made but i dont know.
I have a weigh in thursday. I dont think it'll be 129 because of my huge binge over the weekend but I'll do my best.

great day today. Breakfast= apple and a pear and like 2 orange slices. Lunch, spinach with some chicken and tomatos and cheese. Just got home and ate a pear. For supper, salad or veggies i hope.
I hate eating at my boyfriends. They eat lots of white flour stuff (pasta pizza) and tons of sugar (candy ice cream). Whenever I go there if they dont have anything 'healthy' i'll eat oatmeal. I dont want to though but oh well. If thats the best i can get, I'll take it.
Im going to weigh myself soon, maybe sunday or wait til thursday cus then i'll have 2 weeks to get down to 124 or lower.
Things are good. I work tomorrow then sunday Im going walking with my boyfriend while he hunts. I asked what i could bring for food and he says he usually stuffs his pockets with candy bars, cream safers, chips, and licorise. AHH haha I love him. Hes not like gross skinny but perfect for his 6'6" height but he loves candy just as much as me. haha what a cutie.